The Ice Age is coming... don't panic!

Daily Mail     by Richard Littlejohn

16th June 2011

At last, some good news for polar bears. The world is about
to enter a mini Ice Age. Scientists working for the American
Astrological Society are predicting a significant drop in
solar activity over the next decade.
Last time this happened, between 1645 and 1715, global
temperatures plummeted and the River Thames froze over every

While climate change alarmists insist we are heading for
meltdown, the truth is that the world has actually been
getting cooler in recent years.
 Chilly: We can expect to see more of this weather, experts
Although the findings from the National Solar Observatory in
New Mexico are bad news for the global warming industry,
they are not necessarily good news for the rest of us.
Politicians are bound to exploit the new evidence for their
own purposes

Britain will lead the world in tackling global cooling, the
Prime Minister announced today. Unless we act now, he
warned, the planet could soon freeze over.
He was speaking after the emergency United Nations climate
change summit at the exclusive Cool Runnings ski resort in
Jamaica. A new Global Cooling Bill will be brought before
the next session of Parliament, aimed at increasing carbon
emissions by 60 per cent.
The Energy Secretary has given the green light to a modern
generation of peat-fired power stations and ordered an
increase in drilling for North Sea Oil. Fossil fuels are
believed to hold the key to reversing the drop in
Alternative energy companies will be given billions of
pounds in grants to dismantle wind turbines. These will be
smelted down and converted into giant mirrors designed to
reflect the sun's rays in an attempt to reopen the hole in
the ozone layer.
Thousands of these mirrors will be erected in areas of
outstanding natural beauty all over Britain.
Landfill sites will be converted into vast open-air
incinerators, operating around the clock in an attempt to
maximise carbon output. Town Halls are to introduce
twice-daily dustbin collections to provide the raw materials
to keep the home fires burning, although this is expected to
lead to a 300 per cent increase in council tax.
Households which fail to produce sufficient combustible
material will face heavy fines. Anyone using more than one
dustbin will go to prison for five years.
Those people who have installed solar panels, double glazing
and loft insulation will have to pay higher taxes. This is
necessary to recoup all the money spent in the past
subsidising the installation of solar panels, double glazing
and loft insulation.
It is hoped that by 2025, every home in Britain will be
heated by a wood-burning stove.
The Transport Ministry is encouraging people who have
brought hybrid vehicles to switch to petrol- and
diesel-driven cars. Road tax on electric cars will rise to
£5,000 a year.
London's congestion charge zone will be scrapped, except
for bicycles and low-emission vehicles.
Cyclists and drivers of the Toyota Pious will be charged
£100 a day to enter the capital. The Mayor said the money
raised will go towards a new fleet of motorcycles, powered
by two-stroke engines, which will replace the current Boris

The Prime Minister praised Lord Prescott, the EU's special
rapporteur on climate change, for setting an example. If we
all drove two Jags, global cooling would be reversed within
The forthcoming high-speed rail link through the Chilterns
will coincide with the reintroduction of steam trains
throughout the country.
Aslef leaders welcomed the decision and immediately
announced plans for a nationwide strike ballot in support of
demands for a 30 per cent pay rise, the reintroduction of
footplatemen and an end to flexible rostering.
Defence industry sources said Britain's two new aircraft
carriers, due in 2020, will be powered by coal.
A major expansion of air travel is also planned, with a
sixth terminal being built at Heathrow at a cost of
£100 billion. This will be funded by a new air
passenger tax designed to replace the old air passenger tax.
The smoking ban introduced by the last government is to be
scrapped. Cigarettes have been shown to make a significant
contribution to greenhouse gases. Ministers believe the
threat of a new Ice Age far outweighs any minor concerns
about public health.

 Several new quangos are being established to enforce the
new rules, including the Global Cooling Executive, which
will employ 5,000 civil servants and will be given sweeping
powers to increase carbon emissions.
Local councils have already begun to place adverts in the
Guardian for a new army of global cooling advisers on
salaries of up to £100,000 a year, plus a gas-guzzling car
of their choice.

The Prime Minister has been deeply influenced by Senator Al
Gore's latest film, Ice Station Zebra, about the perils of
global cooling. One memorable scene features a lonely zebra
shivering to death in Tanzania.
This film will be shown to every schoolchild in Britain over
the coming weeks.
If the drop in temperatures continues, there are fears that
dangerous species once thought to be extinct could soon
The spectre of mastedons, woolly mammoths and sabre-toothed
tigers wandering the streets of Tunbridge Wells in search of
prey is very real, the Prime Minister warned.
He was asked why Britain was rushing ahead in setting tough
new targets for increasing carbon emissions, at a time when
China  was going nuclear and closing coal-fired power
stations at the rate of one a day.
The Prime Minister said the future of the planet was at
stake. We owe it to our children not to repeat the mistakes
of the past.